I was the fat kid growing up. I had extra weight on my body that left me feeling insecure from elementary school up through high school. My diet was never that great as a child. I ate fast food, drank sodas, and didn’t spend any attention to the nutrition my body needed. I played all kinds of different sports, but was never very athletic. And my metabolism has always been slow. Luckily, I was not bullied very much and I was able to keep close friends that never mentioned my extra weight. But, I was still left with a less than perfect body in my mind, which brought my self confidence down greatly.
As I went through puberty in middle school I felt uncomfortable with my curvy shape. I wore baggy sweatshirts and oversized jeans regularly. Forming relationships with other people I was attracted to became a lower and lower priority as I let my insecurities get the better of me. I hated my fat thighs and wanted to erase the stretchmarks and cellulite that had formed. My breasts were two different sizes and I desperately waited for them to even out. I refused to wear tank tops or short sleeved shirts in fear of the fat on arms jiggling too much. And I wore sweatshirts everyday in the hopes of hiding my wide hips and protruding lower stomach. I didn’t feel worthy of receiving any attention and I hoped to one day be a skinnier version of myself.
Throughout high school I tried to push my insecurities away and love my body for the way it was. But, I still hoped that my body would transform and become the model version I dreamed it would. Flat stomach, perfectly symmetrical breasts, and thighs that don't chafe when I walk around. I continued to eat unhealthy foods and was at my heaviest weight at the end of my senior year of high school. I felt disgusting every time I looked in the mirror and hated buying new clothes. I knew I needed to make a change but I didn’t want to use fad diets or temporary fixes. My end goal was and still is to feel healthy and not worry about a number on a scale. I needed to make a lifestyle change for myself.
My first year of college I decided to stop drinking sodas completely (I still stick to this rule). I also started going to the gym and working out for short periods of time. I started to feel and see the results of my changes and I finally felt like I had control of my body. I could dress more comfortably and confidently without doubting everything that was wrong with me. My worries over sharing my body sexually began to subside and I finally felt like a real woman. I never weighed myself throughout this process but I went from a size 16-18 at my worst to a size 10-12 where I am currently.
I still deal with insecurities and fears about my body. Mentally I still fixate on the areas of my body that I hated growing up. But I have made steps to wear more tank tops that show off my arms and pants that show off the curves of my hips and butt. My hair has been cut short so that I can’t hide my face and neck behind the long hair that I once had. I have also taken command of my eating by preparing as many of my own meals and eating strictly as a vegetarian/pescatarian. Cooking has become a great passion of mine and I enjoy the control I have over my diet. I also love doing yoga everyday and walk as much as I can.
The stretch marks on my thighs are still there and they still rub together when I walk. My breasts never evened out and my stomach is still not as flat as it could be. But, I take pride in my flaws and have embraced my curves. I will never be the skinny version of myself that I wished I was when I was twelve years old. Everyone has insecurities and things they wish they could change. Love and embrace who you are and if you do make changes to yourself, make sure they are for you alone. I only wish that I could go back in time and tell my fat kid self that she was truly beautiful.