Small talk. Confined spaces. Perceived awkward situations. Work. People. Unfulfilled potential. Seemingly uncontrollable situations. Most settings, people, and events cause me anxiety. I overanalyze and catastrophize, avoid people and situations that make me uncomfortable because my anxiety overwhelms me, and attempt to control anything and everything. It is exhausting.
I started dealing with small anxieties in high school but college was when it began to spiral out of control. I knew things were bad when I would end up on the floor most days curled up in a ball hyperventilating. I would get panic attacks for stress related reasons and at other times when everything seemed fine. My doctor prescribed me an on demand medication to help me when the panic attacks came on and it helped for a period of time.
Towards the end of college I suffered an injury that changed my career and school track drastically.1 This event not only escalated my anxiety but also put me into a depression. The panic attacks happened more frequently and most days I just wanted to stay inside and cry. I silently suffered for a few years before making the decision to see a therapist. My first few sessions of therapy were difficult but rewarding. I remember breaking down in tears during my first session and feeling so embarrassed for not being able to control my emotions.
I got lucky and was fortunate to work well with the first therapist I saw. It can be a rigorous task finding the right therapist for you, but it is worth the time. I have been seeing my therapist for over a year now and there have been several breakdowns since my first visit (but with less embarrassment each time). Therapy has been mentally exhausting for me and takes a great deal of work; but is worth the time and effort I put into each session. While my anxiety and depression have not gone away, therapy has given me tools and coping mechanisms to help deal with my panic attacks. I still have bad days, but I have found the help that I need at this point in my life.
Anxiety and depression have impacted my life but I work each day to not let it define me. Mental illnesses are as real as physical and require doctors and sometimes medications to help anyone suffering. For years I didn’t want anyone to know about what I was going through. I feared people would view me differently and see me as a lesser person. I want to end the stigmas surrounding mental illness, therapists, and medications. Everyone is entitled to leading a healthier and happier life.
I have asked some of my peers who have dealt with anxiety and/or depression to be a part of this blog series. We all have a different story and I feel that it is important to share how we each have been impacted by mental illness. Each person will be kept anonymous and will give their perspective on anxiety and/or depression.
If you are struggling and need help there are resources and people out there for you. Here are some links to help:
- https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms
- http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
- http://treatment.adaa.org
- https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
- http://www.sprc.org
I talk more extensively about my injury and how it impacted my life in a positive way on my previous post: http://artfullyatheist.com/2017/07/08/identity-crisis/ ↩