Music was my life. It consumed me and I felt comfortable there. I was a musician but I had no other identity. My life revolved around practicing, competitions, practicing, auditions, more practicing, and being a better player everyday. Everything and everyone I knew involved music and I never thought that would change.
I woke up one summer morning at a competitive chamber strings camp and knew that I needed to be better. I played and practiced sometimes eight-ten hours a day, but it never felt like enough. Everyone seemed better than me and if I wasn’t practicing, then I knew someone else would be and they would be superior. I had pushed myself to the point of pain before, but not like this. My wrist was swollen and I felt the pain flood down my arm. I knew it was bad, but I didn’t want this part of me to be over. I still had dreams and aspirations that only involved my music life and what would I be without that?
My emotions were thoroughly mixed as I went from doctor to doctor trying to find a solution. Cortisone shots gave me some relief but not enough as the pain persisted. The physical therapy went on for months as I gained strength and learned to regulate my pain. But I knew my playing abilities would never be the same. I could never practice for six hours a day and that made me feel inferior. In the eyes of my peers I felt damaged. A washed up player who would never be as good. I needed acceptance and sympathy but I felt met with indifference. My world felt shattered and I fell into a dark place.
Anxiety and depression took over my body and filled the void of my identity. I would lay around for days, crying, and unable to sleep. Panic attacks took hold of me and left me a prisoner on the floor of my closet. I was unable to move or speak and felt the weight of the world on my chest. I felt betrayed, hurt, and like a failure to the community of musicians who I had considered great friends in my life. I knew that my own emotions were stifling me and that in order to move forward I needed to acknowledge my past and expand myself and my new identity.
I started seeing a therapist and slowly no longer felt as alone. It started to help and I began to see myself as a fuller individual. I was no longer just a musician with music revolving and defining me solely as a person. I am also a partner, a daughter, a writer, a cook, an atheist, a feminist, and so much more. I let the music world define me instead of discovering my own worth and identity. My injury was traumatic and it changed my life dramatically. At first I thought it would break me, but it truly has made me a fuller and more capable person.
Don’t be afraid to seek help if your world feels like it is crumbling beneath you. You are important and everyone deserves to feel happy and whole. I recommend looking up, Brene Brown. She has some wonderful TED talks and has written several inspiring books. I read, Rising Strong, when I was feeling at my lowest and it gave me strength to tell my story.